DATE OF BIRTH: August 8th (I’m omitting the year in case I need to lie about my age when I get older the way that radio presenters seem to end up doing for some reason!).

WHERE DO YOU LIVE? A stone’s throw from the glorious County Durham coastline (nowhere near any of the black bits featured in Alien 3, though!).

IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Jock Strappe

ON THE AIR When owls hoot, witches cackle and vampires feast on the blood of supple young virgins…on the ’Nights Freaks’ every morning from 1am.

TOP 3 SONGS That’s a hard one, try top 300 and you still wouldn’t scrape the surface! It changes every few minutes, but I’ll go for the first three current (ish) songs that leap to mind, in no particular order: ‘Everyone’s Gone to War’ – Nerina Pallot, ‘Click-Clack Get Back’ – Ice Cube, ‘Black Superman’s Back in the Building’ – Public Enemy

WORLD’S WORST MUSICIANS ‘Parallel’, a band I was in when I was fifteen!

BEST TV SHOWS Lost, 24, Saxondale, Six Feet Under, Extras, Life on Mars and The Catherine Tate Show.

TOP 3 MOVIES In no particular order, ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Dawn of the Dead’ and ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’.

LAST THING YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA The Omen. Not as creepy as the original, though, just gorier!

CELEBS YOU MOST FANCY? Uma Thurman, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kirsten Dunst, Bryce Dallas Howard, Lauren Ambrose and Scarlet Johansson. I must have a thing for actresses, clearly.

BOOZE Anything that has the desired intoxicating effect, which I know is very juvenile!

FOOD Indian mostly!

PET HATES TV shows, slow drivers, lorries taking forever to overtake other lorries, traffic jams in general (I do a lot of driving!), rude shop assistants and the inappropriate use (or omission) of apostrophes.

EVER EATEN ANYTHING NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION I ate a pigeon once, if that counts? Not much meat on it. I’ve probably swallowed the odd fly when jogging, too.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH 1000 SPOONS Fashion into an elaborate and baffling structure, and flog it to the Baltic. With the money I made from that, I would do the same with forks and then knives. Eventually Open University programmes would be made about my perplexing ‘cutlery installations’, and you’d drunkenly watch them in the wee hours of the morning after a hard night out, shouting at the telly, ‘they call any old c**p art these days!!!’ Which is exactly what I did the other week after watching a show about that bloke and his wooden blocks.

WHAT WOULD YOU TRADE FOR 3 MAGIC BEANS A car that was powered by my ‘water’ (no tax added to the price of that!).

WHAT IS TO YOUR LEFT RIGHT NOW A wall, then the news studio, another wall and then Sunderland Enterprise and Innovation Park in all its enterprising and innovating splendour.

WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER At different times, a policeman (in America, so I could have a gun), a stunt-man, a goal-keeper, a novelist, a professional musician and then a print journalist. I just sort of drifted into this radio lark.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS IN Reading everybody else’s Sun FM presenter questionnaires to avoid accidental duplication of responses that might lead to charges of plagiarism.

WHAT’S YOUR BEST JOKE An extremely surreal joke about a genie, three wishes and a man wishing ‘half his head was an orange’. I nearly ruptured something when I first heard it, but when I tell it to people they either just don’t understand it or don’t like it. It works to some extent on the ‘subversion of expectations’ principle.

WHICH WORD MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST I like it when people describe a situation as a ‘hoo-ha’. ‘Kerfuffle’ or ‘fiasco’ get gold stars too.

FUNNIEST MOMENT SO FAR WORKING AT SUN FM Pete Clough and Chris Hakin attempting to squeeze into Sun FM T-shirts that were about six sizes too small for them. They both went various shades of purple.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT AT SUN FM On that dim and distant afternoon in 2004 during Mark Selling’s news bulletin and I accidentally played a recording of one of our technical team laughing uproariously instead of the desired audio of radical Islam figurehead Abu Hamza. Fortunately Mark saw the funny side, after he’d assisted me in the collection of my teeth from the studio floor…

ANY DISTINGUISHING FEATURES My ‘platinum blonde’ barnet…perfectly natural, of course.

TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT WE WOULDN’T EXPECT I get very tense around spillages.

AND FINALLY – WORDS ON YOUR GRAVESTONE I told you my urine shouldn’t be glowing and hissing like that…